Ego and “betrayal”

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Hey friends. This is a topic that I don’t even want to talk about, but it is relevant in my life now, and I’m sure you have experienced similar situations. I believe in Karma and I do think you get what you put out. I don’t want to go into too much detail or start ripping another person apart because I conceptually understand that none of us are perfect as humans.

I have done things that I never thought I would do, and I have often learned from those things and stopped behaving in that way. We all go through tough, confusing times in life. This can alter our behavior. I know because when I was younger (in my teens and early twenties), I didn’t think of the consequences of my actions. I didn’t think my actions would affect anyone but me. I was living in quite the delusion then.

I betrayed a few people very close to me that I loved dearly and I tortured myself for it for years. I medicated, I wanted to die because of the guilt. Time heals things, even though it doesn’t seem that way sometimes. It may take a long time. I had an experience while I was visiting home where I had a traumatizing situation occur with one of my oldest friends. I found out she had betrayed my trust in a way that seems impossible to forgive. I am nowhere near ready and I don’t know if I will ever be in this case. When a “friend” knows of your suffering and still acts in a way that would truly damage you further, they are no friend at all. Though I know this is my ego that feels so hurt, I am still not interested in offering this person any ounce of compassion or empathy. This is not like me, but I must be honest about where I am at. I felt that deading this person completely was the best thing to do because of her instability and lack of thought for others. It was a friendship that was expiring anyway for some time. I didn’t enjoy being around her for a while and maybe I intuitively knew she wasn’t an honest person.  She was also just not a positive influence on me. I want to point out though, that no matter how angry and resentful I felt, I never wished real harm on this person. Even if I say I dislike a person, I still want the best for them in life because we all deserve to live happy lives. I would still get excited over good news for them. I’m not a dick like a lot of other people.

Even though I still decided to end the friendship with the girl involved, I didn’t feel the need to go on and put the girl down. I simply stated how I felt. This situation helped me raise my standards a lot higher for the people I allow into my life. When I care I care, and some people just don’t deserve that part of you. Everyone deserves love, but not everyone deserves YOUR love. You deserve that the most, and I am learning that now.

I have my issues in relationships and I will admit that. I have only been in two real romantic relationships in my whole life up until now. (I’m 25), and that has been with the same person, years apart. As humans, relationships give us a lot of things. They give us good feelings (hopefully), they give us comfort, a sense of purpose and a way to express ourselves and grow with another person. Ego is what makes people get lost in relationships. Ego is also why we feel so lost when a relationship ends or shifts in a way that throws us off. Anything that gives us the illusion of form or consistent comfort is probably an act of ego. I think the biggest cure for this is communication on both ends.

So how do we go forward and not become bitter, resentful people when we get hurt? I don’t 100% know this answer. I just think that being honest about our feelings and communicating with whoever is involved is necessary. I think not talking about it excessively also helps. You want to process and let it go, not dig it up over and over. The tone in which you communicate is very important. You don’t want to speak purely from emotion. Giving yourself some time to process helps as well along with doing your very best to look at the big picture. I think it is important to think about what a relationship means to you (romantic relationship or friendship). If you have experienced an abundant amount of joy and meaningful connection in a relationship that you KNOW was real, it could be worth salvaging. If you really haven’t, and time was the only thing you shared with someone, maybe it isn’t worth salvaging. That is on us to decide. There is no right or wrong answer here. I think it helps us to see the lessons in situations. It is usually the most painful situations in life that bring us to the most beautiful places. That sounds cliché, but it is the truth. We may not comprehend this in the moment, but in time, things make more sense. I think my lesson in this was to really, truly be able to put myself in a person’s shoes and remain aware of my ego’s role. Also, this situation showed me what I truly want in life more-so relationship-wise. It showed me how much I cared and still care about the person I felt intense love for aside from family for the first time. Whatever comes of that, I will speak my truth and leave the rest up to the universe.

You can make something into a whole drama if you want to. That shit is easy. I could have considered how long I had known the girl and made it into more of a big deal, but at this point in my life, I have a very clear vision for my future, and I don’t want to look back anymore. It is empowering as fuck to only look forward and be concerned with executing your vision for your life.

I guess the point of this post was to encourage you to think before you react when you are hurt. There is nothing wrong with telling someone you need time to process before you get back to them on what will happen going forward. That way, if you change your mind, you won’t look like an asshole. If you don’t change your mind, that is alright too, but at least you will have confirmation that you made the right choice. Also, sleeping on things can help tremendously, but not always. I encourage all of you to do right by yourselves and not own the feelings of others. Too many people do that, and hold back because of it. Let’s stop that together as much as we can.

No dwelling, just floating along ❤

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