No Place like Home

EmilysQuotes.Com-unknown-inspirational-home-feeling-place.jpgSo, today is the day I leave to go return to Florida after a two-week vacation. I really enjoyed my time away, and it was necessary. It was lovely seeing my family and friends for a bit, but I am ready to get back to the grind. It is always sad leaving home. It’s comfortable, but I am a woman with goals, so comfort isn’t meant for me now or possibly for a long time. I accept that as much as possible.

At this point, leaving my old dog is the hardest because she’s getting older every time I see her, and she’s an angel. I know I will see my family and friends again (God willing). Moving can change the dynamic of a friendship, and that’s neither good nor bad, that’s evolution. I felt good about ending a friendship that turned out to have been fake all along. Time changes everything, sometimes we like this, other times we don’t. I had a great time with my family while home. It was great to see some good friends. The people that I saw are very important to me. I felt more abundant than I ever have on Long Island this time around.

I didn’t feel the anxiety here at all like I used to. I felt safe and a lot more comfortable with myself as a person. I didn’t worry about what anyone else thought and I just did what I wanted to do. I got to Float in my favorite Float center ever, The Float Place, and kickbox a few times as well. It helped me regain that home feeling.  I also got to re-focus and re-prioritize a few things in my life. For example, my health. I had been doing better, but being in NY and having access to healthier food made me remember how important it was to eat for your optimal performance. There was a lot of room for improvement in my diet and my habits. I also got back in to writing and being, more creative. I missed this WordPress thing and have been wanting to get back on here for a while. There was just so much resistance and I was busy doing silly things.

I am going to get back to Florida, get better jobs for now that allow me to save until I must move South. I feel I am more willing to do what I have to do without as much resistance. I thank the book “The War of Art, by Steven Pressfield, and my good friends for this breakthrough. I floated away the residual resistance. I know some great things are going to happen soon, because I feel like I am being guided to the right opportunities.

I am bringing home the confidence that I had lost and a different perspective. Melbourne can be my playground for the next few months if I decide to make it so. I know my time in that town is probably limited. Therefore, I am going to do my best to make the most of it, and learn as much as I can while remaining focused and driven.

I am looking forward to what the next trip home to Long Island will bring. I think I have to come home every few months so long as I can afford it. This place is pretty great when you get to come back. However, I am not crying too much at the idea of getting back to “reality.” If I am meant to come back here for an opportunity down the road, I am open to it. For now, I still have a ton of exploring to do, mistakes to make, and things to learn.

Wish me luck at the airport (everyone’s favorite place to be). I hope you all have great weekends 😊. See you on the other side.

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Validation and Friendships

FriendshipHappy Friday friends. This is a super ironic post, because I started it yesterday, and shortly after starting it, there was a HUGE shift in some of my “closest” friendships. It couldn’t have been more perfect to help with de-cluttering (fully letting go of one) and reconstructing in my brain what I had considered to have been one of the most important relationships in my life. I have spent a lot of time by myself since moving to Florida. Even when I lived in New York, I kept a small circle. Sometimes it was for self-exploration, productivity or plain isolation, usually without intentions to isolate. It usually began with the first two being my intentions and would sometimes graduate to the last. Friendship is a weird thing and it can be so complex. I have and have gone through many different types of relationships as we all have. It is normal to shift and go through friendships as you grow and evolve. We may not always need to surround ourselves with the same people our entire lives… Sometimes it is just not conducive to the way we want to live. It is normal to change some friends as your values and life priorities change. It is just as important to do this and not own the other persons’ feelings. We don’t have to be cruel, but we also don’t owe anyone an explanation either for doing right by us.

I have been observing my relationship with myself, and with my relationships with others a lot lately. I have seen what has been good and what has not been so good, and what has helped the most at me being my best. I have started to attract different types of people into my life recently that I am grateful for. These people have been different from a lot of my other friendships in interesting ways (not to discount those older friendships in any way). We may become so used to the people we have always known that we can be thrown off by a completely different personality than we are used to. I love all of my friends to death and would literally do anything for them, but I feel like there becomes almost a homeostasis in long friendships where things can stop growing in certain aspects. This doesn’t mean you need to stop hanging out in most cases. Sometimes things happen that can end or change the dynamic of a friendship. It can be sad, but the best thing for that is to FOCUS ON YOU. Those people have their own lives to work out, and maybe you staying out of their lives will be best for both of you.

I am blessed to have met some brutally honest, yet caring friends recently. Maybe this is because I am receptive and open to changing and finally creating great things for myself. I think we all know that great things never happen out of comfort.

I am a very sensitive person. I feel things intensely. I always have, but it’s gotten magnified as I get older. Therefore, it is very important for me to make sure I am taking the best care of myself possible. This means working out, eating well, making sure I’m always learning, keeping my mind busy, and also working on my ideas to make them reality. Sensitivity can be a defect or an asset, so my responsibility is to keep a close eye on it. I want it tipping in my favor 😊 . It is important for friends to accept you, but they don’t need to validate your every shitty emotion or thought pattern.

I have been conflicted lately over the idea of validation. I remember learning in some psychology classes back in college as well as from different recovery centers and therapists; that it is important to feel validated in life. I was always all about that idea until recently. Validation provides comfort where we are, but don’t we want to go beyond that? I think it is nice to have people in your life that just listen, without feeling the need to give advice unless you ask for it, but I also think it is equally important to have friends to tell you to shut the fuck up (maybe in a little more loving way, maybe not). I honestly think I was so sensitive that I wasn’t ready to befriend brutally honest people until recently. There is always a more loving way to put things of course, but so long as the person seems to genuinely care about your well-being or people as whole, maybe you should entertain them.

I am going into this topic because I feel that I have spoke a lot about my anxiety/PTSD and depression in the past. These disorders can seem very real, and the feelings can be debilitating at times. I have tried therapy and recovery programs several times in my life. However, I feel like sometimes when you talk about an idea or a thought or a feeling over and over again, you make it more real. You grow it. It doubles in size, because you are reinforcing it! I think we must address our feelings, not deny them. But I also think we need to have people around who will remind us that our “disorders” are NOT real. Our thinking is not us. We must continue to rip ourselves out of that shitty old mindset as soon as we see it.

It pierces our consciousness to hear things that go against what we are used to hearing. We may react emotionally, even with anger. Sometimes that is what it takes for us to realize that we need something different, that we need to change for our highest good. Too much validation will make you feel like all is well and good when maybe it’s just not, and it can limit your growth. It has limited mine up until recently.

I am grateful to the few people who have straight called me on my bullshit, and entitlement, and made it a point to point out my worth and potential at the same time. Without them I would struggle to envision myself as being more. When you see people as more, you inspire them to change. I’m more motivated than I’ve ever been. I try to do this with clients as much as possible and have seen the best results this way.

 I was in no way trying to talk negatively about having bad feelings, because they are a part of life and we have to do what works for us. I just wanted to challenge the way you view and think about what you struggle with and potentially see it in a different light. When I am offered a new perspective, I feel it is right for me to share it. If it sounds like B.S to you, that is cool, but If it resonates with you, that’s cool too.

We are capable of a lot more than we think. Have a great weekend!

Psychedelic Explorations Pt. 1

frommagic_mushroom

Before I begin, I know there will be different opinions of this subject, but I am going to go ahead and give my experience and perspective anyway. I state a lot that nothing is for everyone. Things I love and that are good for me, may suck for someone else. For example, floating. I think floating is great for most people in the world, but there are certain types of people that probably should not jump right into floating. For example, people with certain heart conditions without medical clearance, or with serious trauma issues that should be addressed before, and worked through with a professional before hopping right into a tank/float room.  Speaking as someone with some background in Psychology and as someone who suffers from depression, I can attest to the fact that when in a super depressed state, floating can actually help you dwell in that negative space, which can be damaging. It can never hurt to have a few coping skills under your belt to use in tank. By all means, I am not saying do not float If you are depressed, just use your best judgment I guess, and make sure you are seeking additional help.

 Psychedelics is another example. There have been tons of empirical studies on the benefits of psilocybin (one of the active chemicals in mushrooms) on topics ranging from cancer treatment, to addiction, neuroscience, spirituality and the list goes on. (I will post a link below so you can check it out and not take my word for it.

I told myself years ago when I still did drugs recreationally, that I just could not do psychedelics because my brain was too fucked up and I had too much anxiety to really dig deep. I was horrified at the idea of what I might find there. Shortly after discovering float therapy last year, I accepted the state I was in. I was finally able to be totally with myself and I saw that my consciousness wasn’t going to actually kill me. I saw how much ego had a hold on my life. After I saw that I didn’t need to be afraid of my own mind, a friend of mine who was a fellow consciousness explorer, opened my mind to the idea of trying mushrooms again.

I went from “hell no, I will never voluntarily spend time with my thoughts for that long,” to “hmmm…” Float Therapy showed me that it was possible to face anxiety and grow from it also. At the time I was in therapy as well, and I decided to give the fungus another shot with completely different intentions. Rather than being a kid recreationally experimenting, I used them with the intentions to explore my consciousness and feel connected in a way I usually was unable to. The first time I did them, I did them with a friend in nature, which was a perfect way to get back in there. After that, I decided that I was going to do them alone and basically meditate the entire time. I would do small doses, because I felt that I got more out of it, and I had more control over how long it would last. I only stick to the plant medicines for the most part. I don’t trust a lot of things out there, like LSD today. I just needed a little help listening to my intuition, and shrooms gave me exactly what I needed. I would meditate, and experiment with my senses sometimes after I became more experienced. Sometimes I would put my floating ear plugs in, so I could just focus on the inner without distraction. Other times I would have specific music playing. Other times I would be completely in the dark. This may sound scary, but once you commit and surrender to these medicines, it becomes less scary and you accept a lot easier.

The great thing about them too is that they are not addicting. They are an intuitive life form that will literally tell you when you need to lay off, if you listen. This may sound crazy to those of you who have not had a psychedelic experience, but it has been my experience. They seem to come and go into your life like certain friendships, but without bitterness.

These journeys are not always pleasant depending on your mind and what is going on in your life. I have had trips where I had breakthroughs and full-blown cried hysterically and physically released pain. You are shown parts of yourself that you have been battling for a long time. It intensifies things, so you are more likely to change. At least that is how it has been for me. I can not see something clear as day and not do a thing about it. This is how mushrooms helped me find my own way out of my depression, coupled with the other forms of therapy I was participating in. After a time, I actually stopped needing therapy because I trusted my own inner voice enough to point me in the right direction. I do not recommend discontinuing therapy for most people, nor my method. Again, this is just MY experience.

I feel that I healed and addressed a lot of inner pain. One of my last trips in New York, I got the message that I just couldn’t grow anymore in the ways I was looking to grow if I continued to live in my family’s home. I wasn’t happy and it was rubbing off on them. I didn’t feel grateful. I felt stuck and angry.  It was scary, but I had a rough next day accepting that I just had to go sooner that I planned. It was terrifying, but I put myself out there, and things came together like clockwork, which was my confirmation that this move was meant to be. I ended up finding a job and everything so quickly. I had like a month and half to blast off and get my new life together. It wasn’t all cake, but these experiences definitely helped me get a move on.

I would love to post more about this topic if you guys are interested. I may still do it anyway because I find it really interesting to talk about. I hope I didn’t offend anyone, but if I did, maybe try something different, or don’t. Always use your judgment, but also take into account that fear is ego. Sometimes we greatly benefit taking a leap. If you have any questions, feel free to comment and I would be happy to give my best advice.

Here is the link to a website that had some good sources on the effects of psilocybin on the topics I mentioned above:

http://heffter.org/study-publications/

Good Joe Rogan video also on float tanks, psychedelics and meditation:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLFlDJi7f60&feature=youtu.be

Here is just more research done on float therapy on a variety of conditions:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bXdyoX8F3cQ

Lessons Learned from Living on my Own

mind blownn

Hello! This post sounds lame already, but it was just fun to come up with. I intend on my later posts being a lot more informative, so don’t give up now. I know people have made crazier, more intense moves, and that mine is not that special, but to me it is. So, here we go:

~Your strengths are magnified as well as your human defects; As far as strengths, you may surprise yourself with your work ethic or with how much you are able to carry out without the necessary need for validation or recognition. As for your defects, When you have no one, or feel like you have no one in your corner (Depression), you feel things more intensely, and it can cause chaos if you don’t stay on top of your mood and do everything that you can to keep yourself mentally and physically healthy.

~You have less people to complain to; As a result, you get more shit done without going through as much talk in your head. This means less procrastination and feeling sorry for yourself, as well as more productivity.

~Trust your intuition on who you choose as your friends; You may feel alone and desperate at times, so you may let people in that you normally would not, just because there are limited people you come into contact with because of work etc… These people can be low-vibe people who are going nowhere fast, or just not people you want to surround yourself with. This may mean putting yourself more out there and also learning to enjoy your own company more (OH NO! =p)

~You don’t have to be friends with your co-workers if you plan on moving up; You may disagree with this one, but it depends on a few things. If you are really good at separating work stuff from friendships, go ahead. Also, be careful how much you tell your co-workers about yourself or your life. Keeping a healthy distance is good as long as you can still work well together. You don’t get a job for all the lovely friends you will make, you are there for a common vision to carry out, nothing more.

~If I don’t stay active and move my body, I get depressed real quick; I had a difficult time adjusting for the first few months after moving. I felt like I had no time, and the time I had off, I had endless things to do. I felt like I had no time or energy for working out since my anxiety was draining it. Now, I rediscovered kickboxing and running, with some weight training mixed in there when I can. This is soo important in my mood. Sadly, a medication did need to come back into play for a bit, but I am optimistic that I can start to decrease my dose already.

~Never voluntarily put yourself in a dangerous situation as a means of “survival”; Just don’t. Work with integrity or find something else. Sure, be creative and entrepreneurial as long as it is on your terms.

~Do what you have to do to keep yourself happy, and don’t dwell and judge yourself for your mistakes. Learn from them and let them go; Forward is the only way to go. This is a big one for me. I used to constantly look back, but I am learning not to, and it is empowering and amazing for creativity.

~You can’t always eat organic and super healthy when you have rent and bills to pay; It sucks, but its true for me. You have to compromise and find a balance. I went from being super neurotic about everything I ate and did, and when I moved, I lost all of that discipline for a while. My diet was shit, and I felt it.

~I don’t like to cook in someone else’s kitchen; Personal preference haha. Maybe it’s just an excuse not to really cook. I feel like such a hypocrite when I am not prepping my food EVER. I am going to do better when I get home.

~You don’t always get what you want!; Life will unfold in it’s own way. There is really very little we have control over, aside from our daily actions. I moved somewhere, took a risk, and technically, I guess I failed. I left the job I was at, which was the main reason for me moving out of New York. However, I don’t like to see everything as a failure, so long as you learn from them. I think it is healthy to admit when we fuck up and admit our shortcomings for sure, but as long as we keep going forward and taking action in the direction we would like to be in, then screw it!

~Loneliness can light a fire under your ass and get you focused quick!; Loneliness is a feeling. This I know. It is not reality. It never will be. However, from time to time I just FEEL alone. I feel all alone, like I’m lost and have no friends or family that cares about me. I feel like I will die and no one will find me (anxiety). I feel sorry for myself for a few minutes, then move the fuck on because I realize I am abundant as hell, and that thought is total B.S. I do not have many friends in Melbourne. A few moved away in the short time of me being there. I use my down time to work on my goals now. I make sure that I get things done every day that will make me more valuable and more of an asset in whatever I decide to do. I actually appreciate the feeling of loneliness sometimes now, because it makes me reach out to someone I know loves the shit out of me. I am also super productive. You don’t SIT in feelings as long when no one is there to validate them. Then they tend to dissipate. I feel that I have more of a choice in my mood, not that it’s perfect (its not!).

SO, those were just a few things that I have come to learn through my experience. Everyone is different, so everyone has their own lessons to learn. What I take away from most of this, to sum it up; make sure you are taking care of yourself and being true to yourself. Don’t let people take advantage of you and speak up for yourself. There is always a way out of depression even when it doesn’t seem like it. Thoughts change like the weather, so take it a day at a time. Life carries with it uncertainties, and we must be sure to take care of ourselves in all aspects, no matter what. If we feel like shit all the time, we will not be motivated, and our life will be just OK, if not unbearable. Life should be fun and exciting, most of the time. There are opportunities in a lot of places, we may just have to move around to find the best ones 🙂 . I am learning about detachment and letting go. I am doing my best not to get too comfortable anywhere, because things can change in an instant, and I want to be prepared as I can be. Life isn’t about comfort. It is about creating and living, and having no “what-ifs,”.

Thanks for reading friends<3

 

The End of my Hiatus

pearly-gatesGood morning friends! I have been wanting to get on here again and write, but I was having many issues getting a new password link. It was odd, but I am back. A LOT has changed since my last posting. I don’t want to bore you all with all the little details, but basically to sum things up, I had just moved from my childhood home to the state of Florida, into the basically unknown.

I started what I thought was going to be a dream job, and in a way it was. However, being on my own brought with it a lot of unresolved issues within myself and greatly magnified my defects, and I think my strengths as well. My “dream job” began as heaven and ended less gracefully than I would have liked in all honesty, however, I gained a lot of knowledge and new perspectives that I would have never gained otherwise. Most of all though, I did right by people, I impressed myself with the work I was able to carry out, as well as the creativity and drive that I had in the Float industry. It showed me my strengths and my weaknesses and showed me that I had a lot more value than I ever would have thought in a workplace. I learned how to deal with very different personalities and to really speak up for myself. I had never done that at a job before, so it was kind of a big deal.

On to the new!; I am trying not to talk too much about old shit. My intentions now with the help of some great friends and my intuition, are to look ahead and put my ideas into action every day, no matter how small I think they may seem at the time.

In August I went to Portland, Oregon to attend the Float Conference. This place changed my life in ways I never could have pictured even though it went way too quickly. I met some amazing individuals and had the best time. I took it all in and learned and observed as much as possible. I came home with a passion that nothing could break. That momentum still has me going forward. Every day I am making sure I am doing something to make my job easier when the time comes to either open my own Float center or until I find my “Dream Team,” that I feel good working with. I got so gung-ho at first and felt that I needed to do it yesterday, but now I have a much more realistic vision.

I have a few projects up in the air right now as we speak, and I have to trust that the right opportunity will be revealed to me as I take it day by day, executing ideas. I will actually know a lot more about where I will be headed today.

I think I mentioned this in an earlier post, how I would not be surprised if I moved 8 times in my first 2 years living on my own. I still feel that is an accurate statement. As of now I am still in Melbourne, Florida, but plan on leaving after my lease ends in December most likely. I told myself I would try and give Florida an honest year, and that is still the plan as of now. There are still many other parts to be explored, however, I am more open-minded to going where the opportunities are.

I feel that I just talked a whole lot about myself, but I wanted to give a basis for what the hell is going on, so things make more sense as I post going forward. I have learned many lessons so far in almost 6 months, but I will share those in the next post because this is a long one.

Thanks so much to all of you who didn’t unfollow through my WordPress hiatus. Much love to all of you ❤

Post again real soon. 🙂