My final days as a New Yorker have been beautiful and eye-opening. A lot of realizations continue to come to me, and I appreciate the journey, as intense as it can feel.
Last night was powerful. I felt a shift to where I felt like a weight was lifted. I thought of how fast life really goes, and I thought about what I really wanted out of life. I thought about what I would like to experience as well. I considered what I wanted to feel like in life, and who I wanted to continue becoming.
I saw how very few things go according to plan in life. We might think we know the way a situation will go, and then it plays out in a totally different way. I also saw my attachment to the outcomes of situations and how I had previously believed that my happiness would come from being at a certain point in life.
I saw so clearly how fearful I was of being forgotten, and then I just felt how impermanent it all is! I cried it out for about 20 minutes and then felt a sense of relief. I know it will all be okay, and I actually feel fabulous today. I don’t particularly like the term “ego-death,” to be honest, becauase I feel like it can be misinterpreted easily. It is impossible to not have an ego. It affects all of us on certain levels at different times throughout our lives. I did however, have a recognition of the idea that humans seek to be defined in some way. We categorize everything, and label it. We need to know the time, and where we are, and what is going on. We have constant desires for things to go our way. In this moment, I realized I have no idea what the hell I am without those things. I also know that this is okay. I feel relieved and can breathe easier today.
So anyway, thats where I am at. I leave New York for Melbourne, Florida early in the morning on Saturday. I am almost all packed and am taking it all in. Tomorrow will be nice because it will be my last float session at my favorite place in NY, and then I am going out with some friends to say goodbye to most of them. I have a whole new level of appreciation and love for life, and gratitude is coming easier than ever.
I hope the week has been good. I shall keep you posted my friends!