Hey my friends! So I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately on my relationships, now and past. I like to see how they have changed and in what ways they have remained relatively constant. I observe similarities in my relationships, because I believe that each is a mirror in some way. I think there are abundant ways to grow from thinking this way.
I have always been somewhat of a loner. I’ve been in very few romantic relationships in my life so far. Though I thought it was because I was so flawed and broken, I see now that it was because I had a very shaky relationship with myself. I see this now as a blessing, because it protected me from a lot of potential hurt.
A pattern of mine in the past was to seek relationships that were invalidating in some way and that could never give me what I was seeking. It was always something. It was either someone pretending to be someone they weren’t, me falling for an image that wasn’t true to who the person was, or someone being emotionally or physically unavailable. The list can go on.
Ultimately though, this inability to truly connect was a mirror of what I had going on inside. I was so out of touch with my authentic self, so naturally it would be impossible to let myself connect deeply with another person. I like to look at my emotional state at the time that I meet someone, but this usually ends up being part of my reflection process after the heartache.
The past year, I am happy to say that I have finally made significant progress in the types of relationships I have attracted into my life. They ended pretty naturally and peacefully. It is a positive thing, but definitely more real not having anger to hide behind.
I learned that the highs you experience when you love someone is followed almost inevitably by equally devastating lows. Even if the person means you no harm, the feelings can take you to some dark places. I opened my heart more than I ever have these past few months and unfortunately it wasn’t sustainable.
I look back and question if opening up was worth it. I felt moments where I deeply regretted it and as much as I felt like I might have, I can’t say that I do. I believe that as painful and lonely as it can be to be left hanging, feeling love is never something to be regretted. I’ve been in a funk, but I know that my display of courage and acting out of self-love will repay me one day. Making decisions that are based on being true to ourselves is the best we can do for ourselves and others. Not letting yourself invest too much in things that you don’t believe are meant for you allows you to be more present for those who love you and in your passions. Taking responsibility is a great asset for transformation. Self-care is a privilege. Greater things lie ahead!
Have a great weekend my friends! 💜